1. You have an album coming out soon. When's the release date, what can we hope from it?
NO one expects the Martian publication! Our main weapons are fear, terror and coming in again. The album must take its chances alongside other mission priorities, and it will be experienced when it is complete. You can hope to think: "My, that's some lovely all-encompassing, thoughtful, entertaining cleverly-constructed musical genius!" as you drown in a wave of Red Weed. We would quite like you to perish with your feet tapping.
2. Where do you get your musical influences from?
The cupboard under the stair. There's a small Golgafrincham Animatrix Subatomic Antiparticle called Torquil who dispenses it in liquid form for us. Each of us have what you might call our own musical locii. The mission team consists of units who have investigated pop, rock and classical music in many varied forms. The chief song-formers have mainly enjoyed the type of music you can busk; then later on those of us with an interest in electrified sound have added a different point of view, or source of sound. The idea is to generate wave sequences which express a wide range of creative notions in the hope that we appeal to all. Like us, the sound packages contain a wealth of ideas on a series of levels.
3. You're missing one martian.... can fans expect a reunion on the album?
They can expect what they like. They'll get what they pay for. Plus a double-kicking if they say anything out of line. At the risk of repeating ourselves, David is a Martian and could never stop being so. Where goeth he so goeth a little bit of Mars, and so where goeth the Martians goeth also a small bit of David. It's a patch of his hair, actually, and we may consider selling it.
4. I've downloaded several of your soundbites. Long Time Comin is already on a compilation CD in the car....What's your favourite song on the album?
The units known as David, John and Gerry are the chief sound-formers and they tend to prefer whichever wave sequence they have created most recently. Other units tend to be more interested in developing thought channels which have had time to mature. This unit's current personal favourite is Stopped Me In My Tracks, and there is a sequence called Stand In Silence you humans are yet to experience which makes me pink and fluffy and want to stop the killing for a toilet break. This unit, however, is almost always outvoted. Which is why I have to do all the typing. They have applied the affectation "Miss Jones" to me and as soon as I work out what they mean there's a malky on the way to them.
5. What are your hopes for the future?
To see you all dancing merrily to your doom, maybe between a double-stage open air festival event which has David's fighting machine on the left and our fighting machines on the right. Oh, to laugh as we watch you cheering and joining in at the chorus while your innards become outards and you all meld together into something rather smelly, but at least dead. Now, if we can research more of the "sex'n'drugs'n'rock'n'roll" before we have to dispense the final slaughter, all to the good.
World peace would be nice an'all.
6. Your fellow martian has had some great success with Fame Academy. Do you think becoming famous from a reality tv programme could hurt his long term prospects at a career? Would any of you swap places with him?
When he TOUCHED Cat Deeley? None of us would care to shoulder that burden. He is a brave warrior and he's welcome to it.
In the locus known as Scotland, where we mainly operate, there once lived a great and wise human by the name of Alex Harvey. In 1957 he won a newspaper contest to find "Scotland's Tommy Steele". (Tommy Steele was like Cliff Richard only cheesier.) Now, Alex Harvey gained celebrity from what was a huge national event at the time. But he didn't become famous for being like someone else, or doing things someone else's way. The Sensational Alex Harvey Band became famous for doing things in a very personal, unique, one-off, you'd-never-believe-it-unless-you'd-seen-it type of way. Talent will out. David is massively talented and he will succeed no matter how he decides to go about it. So, puny humans, will we.
As to swapping places... on the Cylinder out to Earth the driver had a qualifying question for us. It went like so:
"You can have ten million pounds in your hand now, no questions asked, yours to keep, all legit and above-board. Or, you can be guaranteed you'll earn ten million pounds within five years, due to your good honest hard work and the application of your abilities. Would you rather take the easy way or the hard way?"
We all replied: "What are pounds?"
7. If David were to return to the martians, are you concerned that his notoriety could sabotage any future invasion plans? Or will you appropriately disguise him?
You poor fools. They've taken "gullible" out the dictionary - again. David is, on the whole, conforming to our mission objectives. Once the novelty wears off or we find out where he lives he will once again stand among us and fight with us. In the meantime, if he can lull you all into a false sense of security, all the better. David currently IS disguised in a device known as "Croc Boy Verion 6", the main features of which are a smiley face and a likey personality. When the Martians commence the final phase of takeover, the disguise will come off and certain silly wee screaming girlies will wonder what they saw in him. It's our idea of a joke, you see - he's the ugliest of us all. Get it?
8. Who do you consider to be your target audience in your music? Are you concerned that with the Fame Academy association you'll be bombarded by screaming teenage girls?
Everyone is a target. Those who run furthest will be shot firstest. We commend the notion of suspending the desire to prejudge or classify, and instead listening closely to our wave patterns and asking yourself: "Honestly, do I LIKE this?" We do not see that anyone could find our noise without merit. Being bombarded by screaming teenage girls is usually okay, depending on what they're throwing. We may research this issue further, given the chance.
9. Do you have telephones on your planet/ship.. if so, were you inclined to vote for your AWOL martian, and how many times?
We knew David was a great war-leader and the most talented unit in the Academy. We knew, also, that it was all down to a certain amount of game show shite; and that, regardless of the result, David would do well from having taken part at all. This unit did not pick up a puny telephone, and is not aware of any of the others having done so (it's my turn to pay so they better bloody not have). However, as the moments ticked by into the timeless voids of space on Friday night, this unit's heart would have been in its mouth if it had had either. It did nearly pick up the puny telephone; but, on understanding that over six million humans had voted by that time of the evening, it decided, albeit it shitting bricks, that it should best sit it out and let what will be will be,
the future's not ours to see, Kay Sarah Sarah. In Scotland they say "What's for you will not go by you," and there wasn't much chance of fame going by David.
10. I've read in the paper recently that another reality tv contestant (Jade) may have blinded her right eye with a pair of scissors. Are you afraid David could end up like this? What measures will you be taking to prevent this happening? Has there been anything in the papers that has upset you about your fellow martian?
Yes, we really have to apologise about Jade. You think you've cleaned the outside of the Cylinder but there's a wee gap between the mudflap and the engine-housing you can't quite get into. To be honest that planet was quarantined and we shouldn't have been there, so while we can't officially take responsibility, we'd like to say we were only trying to provide for our son who had left home and was alone (weep mode engaged) (weep mode conviction failure) (lie mode engaged). Anyway, we lost her and she's your problem now. Reason enough to invite us to finish the devastation, one might think.
David has not been allowed near scissors or matches since the electric
underpants incident. That is a closed file and we cannot discuss it.
11. David came under much criticism from the teachers at Fame Academy, do you think it was justified? How would you have dealt with the situation?
Of course it wasn't justified. Those who can, do; those who can't, grab one last chance at being on the telly before they're gone for ever. To be fair to them (we're trying it out free for a week) everyone had a job to do. Part of that was to generate tension and provide entertainment. It could be argued such a format is not in the best interests of teaching aspiring stars to be better than they are; but other units can speculate thither.
Humans may find it interesting to compare David's performances in Martians music (recorded some weeks ago) with his world-storming chart-busting whippy-go-slappy number one hit next year. On completion of the comparison exercise they may care to consider that his voice is clearly different. Which is better may be obvious, or may not; this unit suspects it may be a matter of taste.
This unit has always felt very uncomfortable with the whole notion of reality telly. Get a life, saddos. This unit tried to watch Fame Academy because David was on it, but could only stomach small morsels. It is a strange feeling to want to say: "Cut it, chaps - let's just skip to the bit where everyone realises David's brilliant". This unit does not want to think about people's lives being games. At least when we kill you we kill you clean and fair. We were not there - we do not know. But we are glad it is over, and hope the next phase of David's mission is less contrived, more honest and even more fun for him. And maybe us, too.
Slowly, but surely, we're drawing our plans against you |
